Hideous Demons
by JoPoGirlsKickAss
Summary: Lily had it all figured, or so she thought. Because now she's completely sloshed, hiding from Terrance Wilbee in a broom cupboard, inventing new holidays, and grasping desperately for the control she's already lost all because she found a quidditch player's orange toothbrush in her cupboard. Rated for lots of f-bombs and few mentions of sex.


**Rating** : A ton of swearing and mentions of sex and sexual things, but not actual smut. Which is why it's T, because I believe most 13y/o know the word fuck and what sex is.

 **Warning** : Mentions of drugs, emotional abuse/manipulation, and mental illness

 **Foreword** : This story was inspired by **meandmyinsanty** and their Pride and Prejudice fic **Treacherous Bright Streets.** They deserved more credit than this dinky little sentence because without Treacherous Bright Streets this story wouldn't exist and they were kind enough to let me publish my fic which shamelessly parallels their glorious story. Please check it out. Also these characters belong to JK Rowling.

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 **Don't like, then don't read.**

 **Enjoy!**

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Lily sighed heavily leaning against the coolness of the door that she'd just closed behind her. She groaned as her weight shifted causing her feet to ache, heels were nothing new to her wardrobe, but these particular heels were much more of a stripper height and had the extra platform that wasn't consistent with her usual footwear.

Peering around in the darkness Lily saw something akin to a bucket, she toed it, and stumbled slightly. She caught herself on the wall, and reached for the object, which did happen to be a bucket. She bent down to flip it over and stumbled again, swearing as she did, _"Fuck."_

Lily eventually got the damned thing upended and promptly sat down on it, she swore again as she teetered slightly. She was usually excellent at holding her liquor, usually better than most of the wizards she knew, but tonight she'd gone out with the intension of getting absolutely bloody fucking sloshed. And she'd succeeded enormously, which was why her mind was currently fogged by a heavy alcohol haze and her gymnastic like balance felt more like an infant learning to walk.

Lily sighed again and glanced down at her feet, she attempted to wiggle her toes but couldn't see if she had accomplished the task as the cramped cupboard was too dark. Lily peered around her, her eyes landed on a large shadow and she toppled backward in surprise, her flailing arms caught a shelf to her right and after a moment of struggling Lily righted herself back onto the bucket.

She peered into the darkness, reaching forward poking at the hulking shadow. Her hand met with material and Lily gave a tug, the material slid off a hook and pooled on the floor, Lily sighed in relief.

Lily shivered; glancing down she saw that her plunging neckline had shifted revealing the left side of her black silky bra. She sighed again. Nothing was going the way she wanted.

When Marley had invited her to be her wingman at her company Christmas party Lily had literally leapt at the chance. It was the perfect opportunity to get him out of her head. To find some answers. To settle her chasmic panic and anxiety.

She apparated to Marley's flat in a short dress with a plunging neckline and no back, heels higher than she'd ever worn before, dark smoky makeup, and her one mission: _to get fucked,_ in multiple senses of the word _._ She was supposed to get sloshed, capture the attention of some moderately attractive bloke and then they were going to stumble back to his place, have a proper fuck, and then she wouldn't have anything to panic about.

Unfortunately. Un- _fucking_ -fortunately she was inept. She wanted too, she wanted too desperately, and it wasn't for lack of trying, or for lack of fit blokes. She'd chatted up more guys than she could properly count, she'd bought them a drink or had let them buy her a drink, and she'd flirt violently. But then _—_ then it would come down to the moment, to the opportunity where she should've invited them to leave or they would've given an indication of wanting to take her home and every time she'd froze.

She'd been clamming up all night, choking. She'd fumbled and froze, like some idiot virgin who realized that she wasn't ready. But she wasn't some stumbling virgin, she was in fact quiet the opposite, she'd been in numerous different beds over the years and was well practiced in the art of all things sex.

But every time the moment arose she ruined it like she was fucked in the head.

Lily laughed.

That was her problem, she _was_ fucked in the head and it'd gotten to a tipping point, a metaphorical cataclysm. Her fuckedness had finally reached critical mass and of bloody fucking course it would happen at the very bloody wrong time.

She'd been angry all night, and it just got worse. After the first bloke she shrugged it off and moved on to the next, but as she turned away from bloke after fit bloke she grew angrier with them for not trying hard enough. She got mad at herself and emptied one glass after another, because she couldn't get past the brick fucking wall that was _him._ Him and his orange fucking toothbrush.

Lily growled and kicked at the nearest object, which happened to be the wall. Lily swore and retracted her now throbbing toe.

Lily glanced around again and racked her brain for how she'd ended up in the cupboard. The past few minutes were a bit of a blur but she recalled the face of a bloke named Terrance Wilbee, a person Marley had pointed out early on as someone to avoid.

Lily laughed, if only Marley could see her now, sitting on a bucket in a dark cupboard hiding from the one bloke she'd warned her against.

Lily wondered if Wilbee was still looking for her, he'd taken her rejection as a bit of a challenge. Laughing, Lily hoped he wouldn't think to look for her in the cupboard.

Shifting on the bucket so her bum didn't go numb Lily couldn't help but ask herself why she was still in the cupboard. She shifted again in an attempt to get comfortable and something poked her in the ribs. Affronted Lily felt around her, she couldn't feel anything sticking out from the shelves, but as she lowered her left arm she felt it again.

Lily reached into her dress and felt along the side of her bra and her fingers closed around a small square object. Lifting her left arm Lily peered into the darkness of her underarm and concentrated as her right hand fished the offending object out.

Light flitted across Lily's face as she held the object up.

The mirrored surface was barely visible, but Lily new exactly what it was.

Giggling floated into the cupboard and Lily held her breath listening for Wilbee's heavy footsteps. The giggles came and went, and silence engulfed the small cupboard once more.

She laughed angrily, the sound dropping like a weight around her. She hung her head.

What the fuck was wrong with her?

Right, her fuckedness had caught up with her. Lily laughed again to keep herself from crying.

Her life was a bloody mess and she wondered if whatever higher powers were out there were laughing at her. Laughing at how her life was a mirror of her current situation: stuck in a dark place, with hate and frustration as her companions, a voice in her head, and no idea how to escape.

This was all her fault. She laughed again, the sound more hollow than the last.

If she had never gotten involved with James Potter, she wouldn't be where she was now.

Everyone said fighting fire with fire was more fun that fighting fire with water.

She'd fought fire with fire before, almost always. And she did it this time too, because it was fun.

Well it _wasn't._

Next time there was a fire Lily would summon an ocean to wash the bloody fucker out and away, leaving the whole world soggy and damp in her wake.

Because fighting fire with fire only got you burned.

And that's why Lily hadn't been to her own flat in over eight days. Because she'd been burned, she'd been weakened and infiltrated, and because of that she completely lost her marbles, and was now bouncing between her mates' couches. Because she'd been burned again, and this time the fire was hotter and took form of an orange fucking toothbrush.

A toothbrush that belonged to one James bloody fucking Potter. One of the wizarding world's most elite and wanted blokes, and her secret fuck buddy.

She should have known she was going to get burned.

Lily was a curious but controlling person. She'd never had much control so she held onto to what little she had with all her strength.

James had been the object of her curiosity when she was reintroduced to him, but she couldn't control him or even their interactions and that should have been her first red flag.

In most cases Lily would have left the rash, unpredictable wizard behind, but her curiosity and temper fought with her tooth and nail because he was a puzzle, a challenge. But more so because he was fun to fight, to argue with. When they debated he made her blood sing, made her feel alive, and she drowned herself in that sensation repeatedly.

She craved the way he made her feel, the will that he brought back to her life. But she knew her cravings were dangerous. So she did her best to keep him at arms length, to fight herself _—_ and she was strong up until four months ago when he had her splayed across her coffee table, back arching upward, and his tongue buried deep between her folds, his hands trailing fire across her skin.

And Lily was royally fucked, because her cravings dissolved into addiction.

After that first time she'd laughed, joked about winning the argument that had started the whole evening not even truly recalling what they'd been debating. But as she lay there she was very aware of his naked body next to hers and how much she wanted to touch him again, to hear him call out her name in ecstasy, for him to touch her with fire because she realized she was addicted. And she knew addiction destroyed everything, her very carefully constructed control included.

So in an attempt to piece together some of her shattered control she'd suggested to keep their romps to themselves and use one another shamelessly when their hormones got the best of them.

And he had agreed and she finally had some control back—or so she'd thought, because now there was an orange fucking toothbrush in the apartment and she hadn't stepped foot in her own home in eight days because the little control she had left was all slipping through her fingers.

Lily glanced at her hands looking for the control that had slipped away, but instead her eyes focused on the mirror in her right hand. She wondered if she was going to call his name, it wasn't like she'd be able to stop herself.

He was probably asleep, probably exhausted from whatever training he'd done earlier in the day. But then again he might be out with the boys having a grand old time. He was unpredictable and Lily both enjoyed and despised him for it all at the same time.

Lily idly turned the mirror over in her hands, if she called his name and he answered what was she going to say? She didn't know what there was to say. He'd gone and mucked it all up with his orange fucking toothbrush. She knew what she should do—end it. She'd lost what little control she had and that never boded well for any part of Lily's life. If the orange toothbrush wasn't addressed and whatever it was—whatever this was between them—went further she'd ruin it all anyway. She'd ruin her friendship with Sirius and Remus, she'd fall in their eyes and they meant the world to her, they'd brought so much life and light into her life.

And then there was James, James and his orange fucking toothbrush. Who liked orange anyway? What was his problem, if he'd just kept his orange toothbrush where it belonged—far, far away from her apartment there would be no issues. They could go on with their fuck buddiness and the world would be right.

"Fuck you James," Lily hissed into the darkness. She could hear him laughing at her, heard his voice telling her he knew that's exactly what she wanted him to do to her.

A low blue light emitted from the mirror and Lily dropped it in shock, it landed between her feet, the blue glow casting an eerie light on her legs. She peered past her knees, looking down at the mirror. Why was it glowing? Was James trying to get ahold of her?

" _Fuck."_

Lily realized too late that she had said his name, called it out in this small broom cupboard and the mirror had heard it as a command. Lily scrambled to pick up the mirror her fingers struggling to get purchase on the piece of glass. "Fuck. Fuck! _Fuck!_ "

Cursing the alcohol for making her fingers useless Lily slid the glass toward her shoe and used it as a brace to get purchase on the damned thing. She brought it to her face, "Stop! I don't want to talk to James!"

The glow remained steady and Lily swore loudly, she was going to strangle Sirius next time she saw him for not telling her how to turn the damn thing off mid call, or how to prevent it from calling someone when she was only cursing their name out loud.

"Don't answer. Don't answer, don't answer. Please don't answer. Please, please. Dear Morganna please don't answer. Please don't—"

"Lil'?"

"Bloody fuck," Lily hissed into the darkness.

"Lils? That you?" came the mumbled voice from the mirror, his end of things was also dark.

"No." Lily swore again, Merlin she was a fucking dunce. This is why she hated him and his orange fucking toothbrush, she had no control over herself.

"Wha?" His voice was sleepy, she heard him moving, the sound of his bed covers shifting, then the sound of his wand. A low glow illuminated his face and Lily could see that he was in bed, propped up on his side leaning toward his nightstand where he usually kept his wand.

"It's not Lily." Lily said drawing her knees closer to her.

"Who are you then, because you sound like Lil."

"Nuh uh, Lily's gone."

"Why do you have her mirror then, and how do you know how to use it?"

"I'm a witch."

"That's good to know."

"I'm also not Lily."

"Who are you then?"

"Just—just not Lily."

"Lils what's going on? Why can't I see you?"

The way he said Lils made Lily's chest hurt and all her confusion, panic, and anxiety came rushing forward once more, and Lily did what she did best, she avoided the subject, "Did I wake you up?"

"Uh.. yes."

"Oh. Sorry, well I'll let you go then."

"No. Seriously, what's going on."

Lily snorted in laughter, "Sirius has nothing to do with this."

James groaned and Lily watched as he flopped onto his back, eyes closed, still holding the mirror in front of his face so she could see his wild black hair move as he ran a hand through it. His eyes opened suddenly, "Are you drunk?"

"What?! No!"

"Lils?"

Lily rolled her eyes, "Fine, I'm a teensy bit tipsy."

He lifted an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Ugh! Okay I had more than a few drinks, but so what, _I'm fine_."

"Lils you're in a dark room and I can't see your face and you were just denying who you are."

"I'm fine! Doing great, just jolly as can be! Look at me! I don't even have to pee!" Lily laughed at her rhymes, which turned into a giggle as James lifted an eyebrow.

"Merlin Lils." He paused, squinting at the mirror, "Where are you?"

"With Marley, I'm at her work Christmas party.. but it's not even December! It's November twenty sixth and they're having a bloody Christmas party, can you believe that?! Poor November always outshone by December and all it's fancy holidays. Nobody appreciates November."

James' lips had slowly started to curl up into a grin as Lily ranted.

"I'm going to make a November holiday, I'll call it November Appreciation Day and it'll be right in the middle, on the fifteenth, and we'll do like the American's and have a big feast with pies for dessert."

"You mean Thanksgiving?"

"No! It's November Appreciation Day! It'll be an English Wizarding holiday and it'll be better than Christmas! It'll have a mascot, something cool and interesting.. like—like a Nundu!"

"You mean the creature that's classified as one of the world's deadliest living animals?"

Lily tsked, "Now that's just mean, I think they're just misunderstood. They probably just need a friend."

James smiled and Lily's chest hurt again. "You would get along great with Newt and my mum."

"Newt? Newton Scamander?" Lily fumbled with the mirror pulling it closer to her face, so close that it fogged as she let out a breath, "You know Newton Scamander?!"

James' brow drew together slightly and he brought his shoulders up in a small shrug, "Uh, yeah, he and my mum used to work together."

"What?! Why didn't you tell me this before? Why am I just learning this?"

"It.. it never came up."

"Ugh!" Lily pouted, "I feel so betrayed."

James shrugged again, this time with a half grimace. "Sorry, I'll introduce you if you like, he and my mum see each other now and again. I'll let her know you'd like to meet him."

Lily's eyes widened at the thought of James' mum, at the thought of him mentioning her existence to his mother. "No!"

James brows drew together in confusion. "But you just said—"

"No! No I didn't! That wasn't me! I don't want to meet Mr. Scamander."

"Lils, come on, seriously, what's going on with you?"

"Sirius has nothing to do with this!"

James brought a pillow over his face but Lily could still hear his groan. She bit her lip. James dragged the pillow away from his face, his eyes closed and his hair more tousled than ever, the post sex kind of tousle she usually caused, "Merlin you're fucking fit." Lily told herself it was the alcohol that made her say it, but she couldn't deny that he was very much a fit bloke.

Of course he was fit though, he was a quidditch player—a quidditch god. He was one of the top chasers in England and had witches fawning over him twenty-four hours a day. He was just labeled most eligible wizard in Witches & Wizards for the coming year, and it didn't just cover his good looks, because Lily had read and reread the feature piece. It talked about his likes and dislikes, his quickness with a wand, his impeccable grades through school and what he would have done had he not played quidditch professionally. It covered all the charity work he did, his personality traits that made him every witch's dream and every wizard's idol.

And he was so fucking far out of her league that Lily wondered what he saw in her other than an easy lay, it wasn't like he was lacking fit birds to fuck, they were practically lined up with knickers wet.

Lily focused back on the mirror, James had stilled. His eyes were still closed but his lips were teetering between a smirk and a smile, and his arm was thrown over his forehead and the whole picture was so bloody cute and Lily just wanted him, so she said so.

Hazel eye snapped open, the smile vanished, and a breath was sucked in. "Fuck Lil," he hissed.

Lily licked her lips as heat zipped through her body straight to her core at the words. James ran a hand through his hair and it was Lily's turn to suck in a breath, "I used to hate that—" James paused mid motion, but Lily continued, having no control over her words, "—but it's so cute because you usually do it when your confused or frustrated or nervous and it's just so bloody cute."

James dropped his hand and it disappeared out of Lily's line of sight, her eyes found his face again and he was pouting, "I'm not cute."

Lily grinned, but it faltered as her brain caught up to her words. The realization hit her like cold water. This was why she was in a cupboard in the first bloody place, because of confusing, uncontrollable thoughts like that. Panic set in again. "You're right, you're not."

James chuckled, but it slowly died when Lily didn't follow up with a punchline of sort. "Lil?"

"What?"

"Why'd you call?"

Lily shrugged, but realized a few moments later that he still couldn't see her. "For quidditch tickets." Lily shook her head, "I wanna shag you wanker," it came out whinier than she'd intended.

"Uh huh."

Lily narrowed her eyes, "It's true! I'd much prefer your cock to my fingers tonight."

James' brows disappeared beneath his hair, "Straight to the point."

"What would you have me say? Want me to talk around the subject for the next twenty minutes circling the drain that we'll eventually reach. That's a waste of time. Just like tonight, a bloody fucking bust."

"Merlin Lil, how much have you had?"

"—because I can't be a big girl and close the deal."

James' brows came together again, "What deal?"

"Oh now that I use a metaphor you're confused, you're the one who wanted me to use a metaphor in the first place!"

"What deal Lil?!"

"The sex deal! You know the one. Where you chat up some bloke—or bird in your case—and you get drinks and eventually agree to end the night fucking each other stupid."

"I—" James went silent and Lily couldn't follow all of the emotions that flicked across his face.

"Don't look at me like that. I know you've been chatting up Lucille Wetwater. The whole world knows, Potter and Wetwater." Lily laughed, "Really James you could have picked someone with a better surname, what the fuck is Wetwater? All water is wet! Her name is like a bad dad joke. And she's like a wet blanket," Lily snorted at her own joke. "Though I guess she is a rather fit wet blanket. She's a normal sized person too, not some freakish giant like myself, I can—"

"I'm not chatting up Wetwater—" Lily snorted and James rolled his eyes, "—Lucille."

It was Lily's turn to roll her eyes, "Fine, shagging, call it what you will but it would have been nice to know so I could save some dignity if I'd called you looking for a quick one."

"I'm not shagging—"

"—Fucking," Lily sang picking at the strap of her heel.

"Would you shut up and listen to me! I'm not shagging, fucking—or whatever substitute word or metaphor you want to use—Lucille Wetwater, there is nothing between us. I know her brother, I tutored him in Transfiguration when we were at school and I ran into her at a shoot the team was doing."

Lily tsked, "You're lying, you went to that charity gala with her."

James threw his head back into his pillow, "She asked me to go with her because she chairs the board and I was one of the largest donators this year. It was a publicity stunt."

"Sure and I'm the bloody Queen of England," Lily bit out sarcastically. "I've seen her, how are you not fucking her, she's gorgeous! And a normal height!"

"Why does her height matter?"

"Because it's normal, she's normal sized, nice and normal and cute. She's not freakishly tall and giant."

"Lil, Hagrid is giant and freakishly tall—"

"Hagrid is lovely the way he is, he's meant to be tall, it'd be weird if he wasn't."

James brought his pillow up to his face again and roared into it, after a moment he moved it. "What I'm trying to say is Hagrid is tall, you are not."

"Why are you talking about me, we're talking about Lucille Wetwater," Lily snapped.

"Why are we even talking about her height? Why are we talking about her at all?!"

"Because you're shagging her."

Lily watched as James' chest came rushing toward the mirror and then darkness, Lily tilted her head and shook the mirror wondering why it went dark, she knew James was still there, she could hear his breathing, but now she couldn't see him.

"What happened? Are you being robbed?!"

Light returned and the mirror showed James' grimace. "I dropped the mirror."

"On purpose?"

"Yes."

Lily wasn't expecting that. "Why?"

"Because you keep accusing me of sleeping with Lucille Wetwater."

"Well it would be nice to know! What if I call you and she answers the mirror James? She's going to have so many questions, and I don't want to be apart of that drama."

"Bloody Fucking Magic Lily!"

Lily blinked, "Oh, it's Lily now? Are you practicing for when I meet Lucille?"

"I. Am. _Not_. Shagging. Lucille."

Lily smacked her lips, "..yet."

James let out a sound somewhere between a whine and a growl and it sent a wave of heat through Lily. His voice dropped, turning flat, "I don't know what I'm supposed to say to convince you I'm not seeing Lucille."

"You can start by telling me why you've been acting weird."

"Me?! Lily you've been avoiding me! I haven't seen you in nearly two weeks."

"What? Yes you have, you were at my flat nine days ago, I know because you left your orange fucking toothbrush in my cupboard."

"What? No! Lily I left that there weeks ago."

It was Lily's turn to drop the mirror, she scrambled away from it forgetting she was on a bucket and toppled over knocking into the shelves behind her. A few softer things fell onto her, but a heavy tin nicked her temple. She swore.

"Lil?" James' voice was slightly fainter being on the other side of the cupboard.

Lily closed her eyes against her now throbbing temple.

"Lil, are you alright? I heard a commotion."

"Fine—I'm alright."

But oh, oh she really wasn't.

Weeks. He'd said it'd been there for _weeks_. And she hadn't noticed? Lily was big on oral hygiene, she brushed her teeth twice a day and took a tooth polishing potion every Sunday night, there was no way she hadn't noticed. "You're lying," Lily said righting herself, she pushed the bucket out of her way so she could crawl across the floor to the mirror. She sat back on her legs picking up the mirror and saw James' concerned face peering up at her. "You're lying."

"I—what?"

"You're lying, your toothbrush has only been in my cupboard for nine days."

James looked surprised and taken aback, the simultaneous emotions contorting his face quiet comically, and in any other instance Lily would have laughed out right, but even with her alcohol haze the present topic took all her attention. "Uh.. no, I haven't see you in nearly two weeks, last time we saw each other was on.." James paused, "the fourteenth, the Sunday before last, you came over to my place and ate my leftover Italian. "

Lily worried on her lip. "When'd you leave it then?"

"Um.. dunno, a few weeks ago? Maybe near the beginning of the month?"

"And you didn't think to ask me? Or even tell me about it? You just thought 'Oh hey I'll just leave my gross, obnoxious orange bloody fucking toothbrush here', I mean really James? An orange toothbrush? Who likes orange anyway?"

"I—is that what this is all about? My toothbrush?"

"Yes! Of course! What else would it be about? I wouldn't be in a bloody broom cupboard if it wasn't for your orange fucking toothbrush."

"What? Why are you in a broom cupboard?"

"Because of you're orange fucking toothbrush! Merlin I thought we went over this?"

"I'm just trying to get a handle on things Lil," James said running a hand through his hair and pulling on it.

"And I'm not?! You left your orange fucking toothbrush in my cupboard and I thought it was nine days ago, but now your saying it was weeks ago?!" Lily's voice was on the verge of breaking, "I mean what the bloody fuck?!"

"I'll take it back."

Lily's eyes widened incredulously, "Take it back? The damage is already done! I've already been burned, I'm practically on fire you've branded me so many times."

James' confusion returned, "What? What are you talking about?"

"The orange—"

"—fucking toothbrush. I got that, I meant the burns.. the branding, what's that about?"

"You! That's what it's about! You go about with your fire, waving it around tempting all these people and there I was all innocent to playing with your kind of fire, and you threw the first spark and then my fire was up in flame defending me and being normal. But your fire, your's burns so bright and so hot and I didn't know that, how was I supposed to know that? But I should have, I should have known, I saw the signs, you're wild, untamable—can't stamp you out." Lily knew she was rambling, but couldn't stem the flow of words. "Even if I had done the smart thing of gathering the ocean, I'm not sure it would have been enough. You're just so bright, so addicting, and its too much and my fire isn't enough and neither is all the water in the ocean and I don't know why you left your orange fucking toothbrush at my flat or why you've been weird to me lately. So I've just been left with my thoughts and that's never a good thing so I—"

"Lil."

She paused, he hadn't said her name loudly, in fact it was more of a whisper, like he was exhaling and it slipped out at the same time. Lily searched the hazel eyes on the mirror for any clue as to what he was going to say, but they gave nothing away and it frustrated her to no end.

"I—you're right, I have been weird. I—" He sighed heavily, "—the League Gala is coming up and I need a date, it's mandatory, helps keep the fights to a minimum."

Lily deflated a bit and she hated herself for it, "Oh."

There was silence.

"So that's why you've been hanging out with Lucille."

James' chest rose in a deep breath and Lily watched as he pushed his frustration through his lungs and out his nose in a heavy exhale. "I don't want to take Lucille, I want to take you."

"Oh." Lily's eyes widened, that would be a public appearance for them, it would be them together.. without their friends and buffers against the press. _"Oh."_

"I've been trying to figure out whether I should ask you or not.. because I'm afraid you'll say no and it will ruin what we have, but it's not just that.. the League Gala.. my parents would be there."

" _Oh."_

Lily sat blinking at the quiet James in the mirror listening to her heart pound in her ears.

"Lil? Can you say something? Please? I can't see your face."

"Um.. right. Well you should probably talk to Lucille."

"What? Why?"

"Because you'll need a date."

Lily had to look away from the mirror when she saw the hurt in James' eyes. "So that's it? You won't go with me?"

Lily shook her head and cursed again remembering he still couldn't see her, "No."

Lily watched as anger suddenly surged through the hazel, "Why not?"

"What?"

"Why not? Why won't you be my date? Why won't you even consider it?"

"Because we're fuck buddies. That's it. You can't introduce me to your parents like that."

James looked hopeful, "So lets be more than that."

"What? You want to introduce me as your girlfriend?" Lily laughed loudly.

"Yes!"

"You're joking." Lily searched his face.

"I'm not."

"I can't meet your parents."

"Why not?

"Because we're not boyfriend girlfriend. Because you love your parents and have a great relationship with them and you don't need me to ruin that."

"Why would you ruin it?"

"I'm not someone they'll like! I'm a horrible person, and you're parents are probably more protective of you than you are of them, I guarantee it, and you are an extremely overprotective person James. I know what you're like when your protecting Remus, and you're the same with your parents. So do you really think people that protective of you are going to let some fuck up like me into their son's life?"

"Yes! And you're not a fuck up!"

"Yes I am! You don't know me James Potter. And I don't want you're lifestyle."

James growled with frustration, "It's not like you'll have to do interviews, you can say no, plenty of people dating quidditch players stay out of the light."

"But you not just a quidditch player, you're the _number one_ chaser in the country! You're an incredibly famous wizard and I'm a nobody and I don't need strangers digging into my past and pulling up the dregs of my life."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of."

"I have plenty. Starting with the fact that I'm freakishly tall."

James sighed heavily, and the sadness was back in his eyes, "Fine, you are Lily, you are freakishly tall, but not as freakishly tall as I am. And so what if you're tall, I like that about you, I like that you stand on your tip toes when we argue so you can look me in the eye while pointing out the flaws in my arguments. You're adorable when you do that."

"Crazy."

"Passionate."

"Obnoxious."

"Intelligent."

"Mean."

"Stunning."

"Stop trying to get into my pants, you're already in them. We've been banging for nearly five months!"

"Did you just use the word banging?"

Lily huffed, fighting the grin that wanted to match the one on James' lips, "Yes, so what?"

James shrugged, "Nothing, it was _adorable_."

Lily groaned.

"Please consider it."

Lily's lips drew into a thin line, "I think it's time for me to get home, I've sobered up enough to apparate."

"Lily you are not sober enough to apparate."

"Yeah I am, and it's not the apparition I'm worried about. It's Terrance Wilbee."

"How—who's Terrance Wilbee?"

"Just some bloke I was chatting up, just like all the others we had some drinks, I flirted—" James face darkened, "—he flirted, then my fucked-up-ness kicked in and I let him down, but he's a persistent little bugger. Cornered me twice since his let down."

"So you planned on taking him home?"

"Pfft—no! We'd have gone back to his place." Lily realized this wasn't what James had wanted to hear but apart of her was triumphant at his anger.

"So Terrance Wilbee is why you won't go to the gala with me?"

"What? No, corse not. I told you it's because you don't want to introduce me to your parents."

James' frustration was palpable through the thin glass, "Yes I do!"

"I'm a fuck up James, you don't want me."

"Yes I do Lily!"

"No you don't, you want the idea of me!"

"Fuck!" James roared not bothering to stifle himself with the pillow this round. "I want you for you Lily!"

"I'm not a fairytale princess James! I'm a horrible slag who so fucked in the head it's not even funny."

"I don't want you to be a fairytale princess, and you're not fucked in the head."

Anger ripped through Lily, " _Stop saying that!_ "

"It's the truth!"

"No it's not!"

"Where—"

"You want to hear about the horrible little slag? The one who grew up in what she thought was a happy home?!" Lily's rage spurred her on, "You want to know why she's so fucked in the head? Well it started in her so called happy home—"

"Lils.."

"No, you wanted to know James, so here it is. Once upon a time there was a very nice man who was very good at football—it's as popular as qudditch to muggles—and he was at Cambridge University studying chemistry, an incredibly difficult field. But he was there on scholarship because he was so good at football and academia, he had risen so far above the prejudices against him and above his family's station. Then came along a woman with pretty blonde hair and a nice smile, Rosalyn. And he fell in love and so did she. He graduated and was so incredibly brilliant at football that he was picked up by the national team to play in the European Cup. Then he met a woman with brunette hair and big ideas and she changed his world, he thought he'd loved Rosalyn, but that was nothing compared to how he felt for this new woman, JoAnn. And she fell just as hard, she supported him in everything he did and they were happy. _A-tisket, a-tasket._ They were so happy." Lily ground her teeth.

"Then.. then one night he went out to celebrate a win with his team and got completely sloshed, his mates slipped him some drugs he'd never had before and the next thing he knew he was waking up in his mate's flat with Rosalyn. He tells her he loves JoAnn, and he goes home and does what most men wouldn't. He confesses, because that's how much he loved her, he couldn't live with himself knowing he lied to her. And JoAnn, the angel that she was, she forgave him. But not three months later and he gets a letter. It's addressed to him and he recognized the handwriting, it's from Rosalyn and she's _pregnant,_ " Lily hisses the last word like a foul taste. " _A-tisket, a-tasket."_

"And this man, he knows what he has to do. He sacrifices his happiness, his JoAnn and his football career, and marries Rosalyn, because he cares about her and their unborn child and it's the right thing to do, and he had loved her once and he believed he could do it again. And he did, he loved her as hard as he could. And they had a beautiful baby girl and he slowly regained most of his happiness, then a year later and she's pregnant again, and he's happy, he really is." Lily growls, "And so is Rosalyn."

"They live a happy normal life once their second little girl is born. He's so happy, because his little daughter looks at him and stops crying the moment he touches her. _A-tisket, a-tasket."_

"Rosalyn, his lovely wife, she _tells_ him she loves him, but doesn't kiss him, she doesn't hug him, she doesn't wait dinner for him," Lily fans her dress, she'd grown warm and angry, "She buys things. She buys fancy dresses and pearl necklaces and shiny shoes. And the man, he sees that these things make her smile so he gets another job so she can keep buying and keep smiling, because she hardly smiles any more."

"As the girls grow up they get nice clothes too, and the poor man has to work twice as hard. But he loves his wife and his little girls and they love him, so he works as hard as he can. He buys his wife a silver necklace, but she wanted gold; he buys his eldest a purple velvet dress but she wanted pink lace, and he buys his youngest a football but she wants him to play with her. But he can barely stand he's so tired, but her smile—he sees her smile and he plays despite his exhaustion. _A-tisket, a-tasket._ " Lily hugs herself with her free arm rocking back and forth as she speaks.

"Then when the youngest turns eleven the _happy_ little family finds out the little girl is a witch and is invited to school at a fancy castle. And the man picks up his little girl and swings her round and round. The school's expensive, and the man tells his sweet little girl that they'll have to take money from her university funds." Lily laughed drily, "But the man, what he didn't know was that his loving wife Rosalyn had used the university funds from both daughters for her own guilty pleasures, saying university wasn't going to get them wealthy husbands. _A-tisket, a-tasket._ "

"They fight. They fight so hard the little girls hide in their room upstairs crying and holding each other. The man and his wife scream into the night and the older girl eventually falls asleep. But the little girl, the new little witch, stays up sitting at the top of the stairs and listens. She hears all of the horrible things. She hears her mother swear and she hears her father crying because his wife who he thought loved him really doesn't. His lovely Rosayln isn't lovely anymore, she was jealous and greedy and tricked him into marriage because he was taken away from her by some plain-jane JoAnn. _A-tisket, a-tasket._ "

"The little girl cries because her father cries. And then it's all over and she wakes up in her bed with her head in her father's lap. She can see his tear streaks and wishes she wasn't a witch so none of this would have happened." Lily swiped at her eyes, glad James couldn't see her face. "The little girl goes off to the fancy magic school but when she comes home.. it's empty. Her mother had to get a job and is angry and bitter, and her sister is jealous and mean, and her father is tired and sad and doesn't smile. _A-tisket, a-tasket."_

"There isn't any love or happiness in her home anymore. Her mother hates her, her sister calls her a freak and blames her for ruining everything, and her father.. he dies of a broken heart before he can see his little girl graduate." Lily swallowed hard, and choked on the nursery rhyme, " _A-tisket, a-tasket..."_

There was silence and Lily closed her eyes against the sting, willing herself to pull together.

"What... what happened to the rest of the family?"

"Rosalyn loved her Petunia Rose and showered her in gifts from the life insurance money, but she hated the daughter that popped her bubble of false happiness, she hated the daughter that looked like her dead husband, she hated the daughter that reminded her of the woman she'd lost to, she hated Lily JoAnn and cast her out of the house at fifteen, because she had no patience for false love because she wasted all that energy on her dead husband."

Lily pressed her hand over the middle of the mirror and watched as the blue glow slowly vanished.

Sliding off her legs, Lily unfolded the stiff appendages and hissed at the pain. She shoved the mirror back into her bra and promised herself to ignore James if he called.

It had been years since she'd talked about her mother and sister. She had pushed them so far out her life she didn't even know if they lived in the same place she'd left them in. She had no communication with either woman and wanted to keep it that way, they'd ruined enough of her life and done enough damage to last two lifetimes.

Lily pushed herself to her feet and wobbled at the sudden head rush, her hand went to her temple which now throbbed even more. Blinking back spots Lily wished they served sobering potions here. She felt her side for her wand, the long piece of formed cherry still present, and sighed. Throwing her shoulders back Lily pulled the sides of the deep-v back over her breasts, and pulled the dress lower on her thighs.

All she had to do was get to an apparition point and she'd be home free. Lily took a deep breath and pushed the door to the broom cupboard open blinking against the bright candles that lit the hall. Lily squinted as she walked towards the main room looking over the heads of those present for the bouncy blonde curls.

"Lily?"

Lily turned and found Marley at her elbow.

Marley's eyes widened, "Lily?!—what happened?"

Lily shook her head, "I'm going home, just wanted to let you know."

"Lily what's going on, you look horrible."

Lily rubbed her temples, "Just leave it Mar." Before Marley could stop her, Lily pushed her way through the crowd and towards the apparition points.

"A where do you think you going dear?"

Lily felt a hand wrap around her elbow and stumbled as she was brought to a halt. She glance down at Terrance Wilbee who had his fingers around her arm. "Home."

The brown eyes shone, "Excellent."

"Alone," Lily growled.

Terrance's grin faltered, "But that's so boring, and _lonely_. A lovely rose like you needs to be cared for."

Lily's eyes narrowed. "What did you call me?"

"Rose, it's fitting don't you think— _ecck!"_

Lily's wand was under the man's chin and she glared down at him as his tongue started to swell and turn grossly purple. "Don't call me that, and if you don't know my name you're not worth my time, now: _Let. Go._ "

Terrance did as he was told and Lily left him and the on lookers behind. The wizard manning the apparition points nodded his head with a small smile, "Nice one miss."

Lily nodded as she stepped into the golden circle, then she apparated.

"Hello!" Lily called into the empty flat, "I've missed you darling, so sorry I've been neglecting you." Lily laughed as silence answered her.

She stumbled into the small kitchenette and paused, one hand on the counter as the other reached down to fiddle with the strap of her heel. Once off, Lily went for the other and fell into her ice box. "Going down!" Lily laughed as she slid to the linoleum floor. She undid the second shoe in half the time and kick the offending contraption away.

Lily grimaced up at the counter, but reached for it anyway. She pulled herself up in a less the graceful manner and hurried towards the loo. Since her absence the flat's heating charms had waned and it was bloody cold, especially in her current attire, she shivered as she entered the loo. She flicked the lights on with a wave, and pulled her dress over her head. She groped for the shower knob and cranked on it till the water started to flow.

Straightening, Lily reached for the mirror pressing against her ribs and set it on the counter. She stared at it, then picked it up and hurried to her bedroom where she buried it in her trunk with her extra blankets. Shivering in the cold Lily hurried back to the loo, where the heat from the water was already warming the small space.

Lily glanced into the mirror above the sink just as she reached for her bra and stopped.

"Hideous dear," Lily laughed bitterly eyeing her thin, pale body in the mirror. Her knees knocked together as she poked at the sharp head of her hips that protruded from beneath skin. She traced the ugly blue veins along her arms, and stopped to examine her extremely long, thin, boney fingers.

She looked down the length of her body, she rubbed her legs which she loved and hated all at the same time. They were so long and graceful and a gift her father had given her at a young age, they turned heads and made her stand out, but they also made her a freak towering over most men. Lily sighed and looked back to the mirror, she reached for her temple where blood had dried from hairline to chin. She lightly probed her hairline and hissed at the tenderness. Lily looked the rest of her face over and saw green eyes in a sickly hollowed face framed by horribly red-orange curls examining her. "So hideous dear, no wonder your father didn't love you." Lily choked as she repeated the words her mother often said.

" _A-tisket, a-tasket, a green and yellow basket,_ " Lily paused, drawing breath trying to steady herself, _"He wrote his love a letter and on the way he dropped it, he dropped it, he dropped it, and on the way he dropped it, and a little girl—little monster Rosalyn—she picked it up and put it in her pocket."_

Lily felt her knees weaken and tears well in her eyes, she pushed off the counter towards the bath and tripped over the edge of the tub, she crashed into the tile wall knocking two of the bottles from their place, her head swam from the impact and her knees buckled and she dropped into the basin.

Lily rested her pounding head against the edge of the tub and wrapped her arms around her legs as the warm water fell around her. She choked on a sob as it bubbled up, and fought against the tears welled in her eyes.

And she stayed that way, crying silently, eyes closed against the world, too numb to move.

"Lils?"

Lily couldn't stop the sob that erupted from her throat.

"Lils."

She hadn't believed he was really there, she thought it was just her fuckedness playing tricks on her, but then she heard it again and it was followed by a shadow she could see even through her eyelids, and she felt his presence standing over her.

Lily opened her eyes and looked up at him through the water. She choked on another sob at the sight of him, and felt her throat swell with too many and not enough words.

Swallowing the heavy lump in her throat Lily tried to muster her anger, "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to make sure you didn't splinch yourself."

Lily waved her hands vaguely and put minimal effort into wiggling her toes, "All here. You can go."

"Why are you showering in your knickers Lil?"

"Because I like that dress," Lily replied waving at the blue cloth hanging next to the towels.

She watched him look the dress over then turn his gaze back to her, "You wore that dress and wore these knickers underneath it."

"I was trying to get laid. Told you that."

James' eyes darkened and she saw fury rise to the surface, she felt guilty, but the other part of her, the fucked up part of her was glad he was angry, he deserved it for everything he'd done to her. For the way he turned her world upside down and burned her with his bright fire. "I—I thought you were taking the mickey, I didn't think you were actually trying to find a shag."

"What?"

James pulled at his hair, "I thought you were just trying to make me jealous by saying all those things. But you weren't, you were actually looking for someone to—"

"—to fuck my brains out?"

James gritted his teeth, "Yes! And the whole time you were accusing _me_ of sleeping with Lucille!"

"You've nothing to worry 'bout. Didn't work," Lily moved her eyes from his face to her chewed nails, and picked at a scab along her cuticle. "I'm hideous dear," she breathed into the water.

"What?"

Lily glanced up and the darkness in James' eyes was replaced by confusion.

Lily shrugged turning back to the scab, a horrible smile pulling at the corner of her mouth, "Hideous dear, all the way round, it was you that killed him. Such a monster. You're hideous dear."

James dropped to a crouch next to her, his hand reaching for her head and she pulled away prepared for the pain when he probed her temple, but it never came. Instead the long fingers lifted her chin, and when she met hazel the hand followed her chin until his palm was covering her cheek, his thumb just under her eye, and his fingers on either side of her ear buried into her hair. "Lils," he breathed.

"I hate your orange toothbrush. I hate that you make me feel this way."

" _I_ hate that I make you feel this way." The pain behind the glasses brought tears to her eyes again and she hoped the water hid them. "And you're not hideous, the monster who told you that is the hideous one and I hate her."

Lily laughed bitterly, "Then you hate me too." James opened his mouth but Lily beat him to it, "It's okay, I hate me as well."

"I don't hate you Lils."

Lily's anger swelled again, "Why not? I'm horrible to you! I use you for sex—"

"I use you too."

"—and I avoid you without telling you why, and I hate your orange fucking toothbrush and all the shite it's put me through. I hate it! I hate it so much, why can't you hate me too! Everyone hates me!"

"No they don't! You have friends who would do anything for you Lily, I would do anything for you—"

"Then take your orange fucking toothbrush and go!" Lily screamed, but it wasn't loud because the hoarseness of it muted the volume and strangled her words, but James got the message.

He pushed himself to his feet in one fluid motion, "Fine!" James ripped open the cupboard and grabbed the orange toothbrush that sat on the shelf pretending to be innocent. "Is this what you want? You want me to hate you because you hate my toothbrush?"

But Lily wasn't listening, she was staring at her toes, " _A-tisket, a-tasket,_ I wrote my love a letter.. I wrote my love a letter..." she choked on another sob, "I never wrote my love a letter.."

Lily paused and tightened her arms around her knees, tears welling fast, "That's because you're hideous dear and you know you're incapable of love. So hideous. You're a killer dear. You're hideous and think you're in love, but you're not, because you're hideous dear.." Lily stared at her toes as her tears blurred them, whispering to herself, "..so hideous dear, so hideous.."

"Lily..?"

Lily wrapped her arms even tighter, refusing to look up from her toes. He was supposed to be gone.

"Lily?" He was closer. "Lils?"

She turned her head the slightest bit and glanced up at him from the corner of her eye. He was pulling his jumper over his head, and Lily scooted back as his jean clad legs appeared before her in the basin. She watched as the demin was darkened by the water.

He bent down, his hands reaching for hers. Lily curled her fingers around her legs, but the tan hands coaxed them free and suddenly Lily was standing, her head still cast down staring at James' broad chest. She reached out and placed one of her hands on him, she spread her long, spindly fingers and cringed at the sight of her white, dead looking hand against his sun kissed skin, skin that hummed with heat and _life_.

One of the olive hands covered hers, gripping the fingers that lay over his chest, and his other, she saw it come into her vision attempting to lift her chin once more. "Lily, please." At the plead Lily allowed the hand to lift her head.

Hazel met green. And Lily tried to swallow but there was a lump in her throat and her mouth was dry despite the shower's humidity.

"Lils, did you mean that?"

Lily tried to swallow again, but couldn't.

"Are you in love with me?"

Tears welled and fell faster than Lily thought possible and she dropped her chin and stumbled forward, her forehead pressed against James cheek as she nodded her head. He shifted burying his nose in her wet hair and wrapped his arms around her.

James swore and laughed, the sound rumbling through his chest, and Lily could feel it beneath her fingers—so much life. "That's brilliant, that's so fucking brilliant and you're brilliant—," James pulled back slightly and once again lifted her chin, his eyes searching her's, "—you're brilliant and I love you so fucking much."

Lily sobbed, her shoulders shaking.

"Lils, please don't, there's nothing to cry about, I love you."

"You can't," she choked.

"I can, I will. _I do._ "

Lily shook her head, "You're so bright.. you can't pick me. I'm so fucked in the head. My mother still controls me," she sobbed. "And I can't. Not me, _not me._ I'm hideous dear." Her smile was wicked, she could feel it.

James leaned down and captured her lips. Lily was expecting something demanding and rushed, but what she got was soft and gentle as if he was asking her permission. Lily moved her hands to his shoulders and kissed him back hungrily. Last one, her mother's voice whispered, _last one_.

James pulled away and Lily whimpered. He rested his forehead against her's and when she tried to kiss him again he held her in place, a hand on either side of her face. "Lily, Lils look at me." Lily met the hazel, and she saw gold. "I love you Lily Evans, fucked in the head or not. I. Love. You. So please let me love you, I don't want to fight you on this. Let me love you, and I'll help you because I know you love me too. And love.. it's the most powerful magic in the world."

Lily laughed hollowly as James wiped her tears away, "That's cheesy even for you."

James grinned, "But not too cheesy for us?" He leaned down and gave her a quick peck on the lips, pulling away before she could even have time to react. "Please Lily."

Lily dropped her gaze to James belt where her fingers now wondered, and slowly she nodded her head. "Okay," she whispered into the water.

"Okay?" Lily could see his smile, could feel it without even looking at him.

Lily nodded again and glanced at him, a boyish grin stretched ear to ear showing his right dimple and it was the most adorable thing Lily had ever seen, "Okay."

* * *

There may be a part two.. who knows.

Cheers,

JoPo


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